How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen
David Brooks 2023
“The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.” David Brooks
“We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.” David Brooks
How many people do you know? How many do you truly know- enough to appreciate what makes them special in the world? And how many people would you say know you deeply, or understand where you are coming from? Today's social landscape is characterized by a sad irony- there are more people than ever in the world, and more and more of them are feeling lonely, misunderstood, and unappreciated. We are having trouble making connections with those around us, even as each of us yearn for that exact thing.
David Brooks has written a new book, How to Know A Person, trying to paint new ways to cut through the barriers that keep us from knowing each other. Brooks is a New York Times columnist and prolific writer of many books on culture and politics. Once a devout conservative, Brooks led the charge for the Iraq war, only to pull back towards the middle and tackle notoriously soft and complex topics like love, character, and communication.
Brooks touts the virtues of what he calls "illuminators"- wise and loving people who somehow manage to make everyone they interact with feel better. Illuminators treat all people as they have dignity and something to offer, and he approaches the world as a curious learner wanting to meet people where they are.
The opposite of illuminators is diminishers, and they are easy to find in our competitive, surface-level world. Diminishers size up people instantly and judge their strengths and weaknesses based on superficial things. They are egotistical to such an extent that they see the world a certain way and assume that everybody else should as well. If they don't, they are inferior. Diminishers rely on shortcuts and stereotypes to build their reality, and are very reluctant to evolve their mindset when things conflict with that reality.
Most of us live in the space between illumination and diminishment, and this book tries to point a way towards being better at the former to improve connection and belonging, and so many studies and books out there paint this as the antidote to loneliness and despair. Humans are social creatures at their core, and connection with others is as essential as oxygen.
Here are some of the author's main suggestions for getting to know a person.
Be willing to devote some time with others in low-pressure situations. You can't gain someone's trust easily. They need to know that you are a safe person before they can even think of letting their guard down.
Use humor and playfulness to lighten things up. They are powerful social tonics to improve connectivity.
Get out of your own head and realize that every person has a different way of looking at things, colored by years of experiences that are different from your own. All reality is thus subjective and the best way to connect is to be curious about other realities while sharing your own non-judgmentally.
Strive for good talks- conversations that invite a joint exploration of the people involved. Listen actively and don't be afraid to let silent pauses occur occasionally. Repeat what you have heard in your own words to make sure that you have accurately absorbed the other person's message.
Use open-ended questions. The right questions can open up a relationship, and the wrong ones can shut one down. Instead of the obvious "what do you do for a living?" question, opt for one like "what's the best and worst things about your job?" Try to elicit stories, not one-word answers. Don't ask insulting questions, ask probing questions, and if you're lucky enough to build intimacy, ask some big questions when the time is right.
Don't shy away from the hard conversations. These are ones that cross political, gender, or other delicate boundaries. We all have individual, group, and class distinctions that we hold closely, all of which are based on our life histories and environments. Approach each hard conversation with empathy that there are more than one right answer, and that each of us is coming from a different place. Facing the elephant in the room can prevent years of resentment, miscommunication, and misunderstandings.
The secret to empathy can be condensed to three steps. First, mirror the other person to accurately capture their emotions. Second, mentalize the emotions to figure out why they might be happening. And third, once you figure out the problems behind the emotion, figure out what the others person needs and what you can do to help them meet those needs. This isn't easy. We all have a constant stream of words and feelings of our own that block us from seeing others correctly. But with the right effort and regular contacts, we can clear the fog and see the other person much more clearly.
How do we get to know a person? First we have to get to know ourselves. We have to be willing to let others in behind the scenes and see the messy reality that is all of us. Only if we're willing to be real and vulnerable will others drop their barriers as well. Connecting is one of the hardest things in the world because it is risky, noisy, and unpredictable. We have to feel deep down that we are worthy of being known, and able to clear out the chatter in our head that drown out the voices that are out there calling out to us.
Social media is full of liars, exaggerators, and "influencers" who are about as real as a Barbie doll. Relationships that are presented in movies, television, and books are rarely realistic. They are idealized versions of how life is meant to be, or crazy versions meant to sell a certain dynamic to the public. Somehow, the secret to getting to know a person means having to turn off the bs and looking elsewhere for meaningful connection, and then taking the leap.
David Brooks doesn't claim to be an expert in socializing. As a writer, he's learned how to interview people, but his private life is not discussed much in this book. His prescriptions for many of the ails of the world revolve around character education, and that's not something that's easy to teach. But with lying and cheating now elevated to the highest offices of the land, it would be nice to figure out how to improve morals and character without being heavy-handed.
Most of my life, I've struggled with this topic, and books like this have inspired me to keep trying. I am an introvert, but even I realize that connections are vital. It's comforting to know that so many of us are not that great at building deep connections, but that's no excuse for giving up.
As humans, we all want to be known, appreciated, and understood. But to get there we have to be willing to dish some love, empathy, and understanding out ourselves first.
Here is a video of David Brooks discussing his book on the Today Show.
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